The Brilliant Performer

In the wake of a difficult economic scenario, I thought of writing something that most of us, affected or otherwise, might be able to relate to. The barrage of nearly antithetical messages that are composed by the Human Resource Divisions of the biggest organisations in the world are ambrosial to say the least, with a sense of flattery that tends to embarass. The dextrous use of language, expression and concern warms the blood in even the most cold blooded amongst us. I, for one, am moved to tears everytime I read or hear about these philanthrophists and their deeds. Perhaps a most consummate display of altruism is what it takes to carefully asses every individual and analyse where his talents lie. And they dont even charge us for it. In a world of soaring prices, we, the working class should stand up and appreciate this gesture.

Type 1 (e-mails)

Dear Mr. NotIntertestingEnough,

Thank you for your application in XYZ. Whilst your file was very interesting, we regret to inform you that we do not have a suitable opening for your profile. However, as soon as something comes up, we will definitely get in touch with you.

Thank you for your interest in XYZ, and we wish you all the very best.

Regards,
FaithlessHR.

Type 2 (verbal)

" Please sit down, Mr. You'reAboutToLoseYourJob. I would love to take this opportunity to tell you how happy we are with your performance in our organisation. Over the past 5 years, you have truly proved your worth to the entire organisation, and I would love to congratulate you on your performance thus far.

However, as you know, our organisation is going through some recent structural changes, and as a result we do not feel that we have a position which cater to your competencies. Due to this unfortunate lack of fit, we feel that you will be better able to utilise your skill set in another organisation. You may complete this month with us, and then subsequently move jobs. We will really miss your valued services, but we wish you the very best going forward in life."

Type 3 (Memo)

This is to inform that Mr. WeJustFiredHim has expressed his desire to pursue other career opportunitites, and has requested us to relieve him from his present duties immediately. Mr. WeJustFiredHim has had a very successful stint of 3 years in XYZ, where he contributed sufficiently in the growth and profitability of the Export Businesses of XYZ. Please join me in wishing him the very best in his future endeavours.

Faithless HR



* Not to be taken personally.